MAX MY SNAPPER SENSATION

I finally set my Max…my snapping sensation of a friend…free!!! It was soooo dificult for me to do this…he had been a part of me for 7 years…but I wanted him to have the life he was destined to have. The fact that I helped him become the amazingly strong and fit turtle that he is today brought us together in a unique way. I worked with A from the Turtle Rescue League in Massachusettes to make sure I gave him the safest send off to give him the best beginning of a new life! I first had to cover his tank for one and a half months which supposedly allowed him the time to forget about me so that he wouldn’t be attached to humans and would connect to his wild side. It was hard for me to say good-bye to him when I covered the tank because I thought he wasn’t going to remember me when I took all the beautiful cloths off his tank the day I actually set him free. So before I covered his tank I told him how grateful I had been for having him in my life…and how precious he was to me. I cried for days! Because of the fact we were still living together it was hard for me not to break down and say hi and connect for that month and a half. For him I held strong!!! After ALL of that…the day I actually took the cloth off of his tank…the day I set him free…he knew exactly who I was…did the normal wagging all of his turtle arms in all directions like a dog and stood straight up against the side of the tank and stared into my eyes…so much for not knowing me…so strong was our connection!!! I made this slide show of his best day ever…of the first day as a real wild snapper turtle…the first “wild” day of the rest of his life!!! I love u Max…you’ll always be part of me!!! : (

 

NEW PURPOSE

Because of cancer, there is a new purpose to my existence. I am taking the opportunity of the new beginning and the positive transformation cancer has evoked on my perspective to share with the world all of the Divine blessings that were bestowed upon me in order to become a survivor. I will still express myself as an artist, designer, singer, guitarist and songwriter, but my creativity is now vibrating at the same frequency as the awakening I received during my cancer journey. I now live a sustainable way of life. I am living proof that allowing enlightenment to embody the essence of my being created the miracles needed to achieve my purpose. My purpose at the time was to survive cancer without losing myself in the process, without damaging my body beyond the necessary measures I chose to take. I surrendered to the deepest level of consciousness and became one with the energy source that is everything.

I am grateful to be alive and living the limitless opportunities life is presenting me. I am now using art, music and personal experience to help as a spiritual and wellness guide. The gift that I received from the Divine is now my gift to you. My role is to support you in love while you achieve your fullest potential, find your inner peace, live your truth with pure intent, and feel the joy and freedom that comes by accepting your uniqueness in order to shine your own beautiful hue. I feel connected to everything else in this world through the intense love I feel for myself …and I wish the same for you! Embracing the pain and weakness that came with cancer put me in a vulnerable position. Within the darkness of this vulnerability, my personal power looked like a beacon in the night. It felt comforting…like coming home.

I lived in Paris, France for half my life. And I grew into who I really was there, shining my own light. I walked a spiritual path. I was an Energy Healer and an Intuitive Guide, but kept it separated from the rest of my life. Now I don’t spend fragmented time in either my mind, spirit or body. They are now connected constantly and radiate a deeper sense of clarity, insight and balance that is an endless inner resource. It keeps me in the moment, in touch with my own strength and the beauty, light and love of this magnificent world.

We are all part of a molecular matrix. Our individual intent contributes to the overall vibration of this matrix. We affect everything on our path. When we rise to higher levels of consciousness, we are able to contribute something of value to the matrix. We become one with the most powerful energy of all…love. The possibility of death made it easy for me to discern what was precious and must be nourished, and what was no longer positive and must be let go of. This profound feeling of love and the awakened awareness that flowed in with it is my life now. Everything else I do fits into that!

I also offer fun but meaningful events that aid in personal expansion. Expanding is best done when you don’t know your doing it! I speak about subjects that have depth, but depth is actually a very simple state to be in. Within simplicity is joy! I will be giving Awakening Art Workshops, You’re A Star Story Slams, Intuitive Readings, Energetic Healings, Guided Meditations…and more! I share this glorious life with you…in love and light!

PATIIENCE AND PERSPECTIVE

About 5 months ago I had it in my mind to get all of my cancer related surgeries and drugs done and get my life back on track in 4 months. I had this unrealistic idea about how long this was going to take and that I had some control over it. It has been 6 months now and I just got the stitches taken out 2 days ago from my second surgery and I am only half way through my cancer IV drug treatment that I need to take to kill all the cells that got into my lymphatic system. I have 6 more months to go. I am so grateful to have great new breasts with my own original nipples still intact on them… : ) and 2 scars that are in “inconspicuous” places. Before my double mastectomy the oncology surgeon told me she wasn’t going to be able to get clean margins because of how close the cancer was to my chest wall. In that operating room we were all supported by powers bigger than all of us put together because every margin from my surgical pathology report came back clean to everybody’s surprise and joy…upping my prognosis from bad to better! I am grateful and thankful for the transformation of the severity of this situation into a healing opportunity for my spirit and my life. I am blessed. I am also grateful that I was able to advocate for myself and believe unconditionally that I was going to be perfectly ok.

Before I got diagnosed with breast cancer, I had been looking into leaving Maine, going on a road trip and being part of an open, creative community…somewhere. I didn’t know where….BUT…I was excited about leaving and heading out on an adventure starting over somewhere fresh and new. Then life became simply about staying alive. And it became evident pretty fast that starting over fresh and new for the moment needed to happen on the inside of myself. I no longer felt the need to move to a new location outside of my soul to live the new perspective taking shape within me. Maine has been good to me. Maine Care that I received BECAUSE I had cancer has provided unlimited resources for this journey I’ve been on. Two surgeries, loads of ultra sounds, ex-rays, CT scans, MRI’s, Muga tests and a new miracle IV weekly cancer drug that I take for one year that cost thousands, thousands and THOUSANDS of dollars every time I get it is all covered during a one year period. I AM SO FULL OF GRATITUDE! That doesn’t mean there isn’t a better place for me to be…but for NOW, for the next 6 months, I can let go and expand…everything from the inside out…right here… and in the amount of time that I need. I don’t feel any more pressure. There is no more deadline because no matter where I am living, it’s in this moment within myself, where it is all happening.

The day I found out I had cancer was the first day of a powerful, highly charged awakened state that turned my perspective inside out. Any watercolor fields of ambivalence within me became clear, well defined spaces, representing yes and no answers. The things marked yes I kept, and if I hadn’t been doing so before, started treating them as precious. The things marked no, I let go of immediately no questions asked. There weren’t “maybes” at the time. I was moving fast making medical decisions that would create and define my future and had no time for indecision. It was either beneficial or not. I started cleaning out my soul of unwanted baggage, blocked emotions, patterns that no longer served me and the need to help and fix others when they asked for help but weren’t ready to do the work.  I had to focus on myself and my body to save my life and heal. Getting cancer was my body and spirits way of crying out for help…needing attention. And if that’s what it needed…I was going to give it the love, compassion, and comfort it wanted. I was going to listen to it. I am sure my body had been screaming out to me for help for a long time…and I had been too busy and strong-minded to hear it. I would get an idea from listening  to my intuition about healthy food and manners in which to care for my body that would keep it balanced and whole. I would begin a new lifestyle and would always allow life to become bigger than my consistency, and would eventually not follow through with my new plan and allow my body to fall into distress again. An unhealthy disconnected pattern…that became a cycle.

I believe that one of the hundreds of factors that led me to allowing cancer into my body was that my spirit was exhausted from fighting. From trying and giving so much where there was so little of what I thought I wanted coming back to me. Even though I knew there was nothing outside of myself I couldn’t give myself, I had been a warrior and couldn’t help myself from getting involved with losing battles.  I am no longer fighting battles of any kind…especially someone else’s. I am not even fighting cancer. From the beginning I have never fought cancer. I made a truce with it, embraced it, signed a treaty with myself…for cancer WAS my body. Cancer cells were MY cells. They were part of me.

After asking too many questions about my particular cancer cells, my oncologist sent me to see the Chief of Pathology who had created both my pathology report from the cancer cells abstracted during my initial biopsy, and then from the tissue taken during my double mastectomy. He gave me the opportunity to see my cancer cells under a microscope. This changed my whole attitude towards how I was going to move through my cancer journey. It was the key moment that basically changed my perspective on what cancer was to me, and what it meant to have cancer. He explained that the cells were still trying to do their job that had been allotted to them during my creation as a human being. On a DNA level they were still trying to keep my body functioning properly…even as cancer cells. They were no longer able to do this because they had lost their DNA connection with the rest of my body and could no longer communicate with my system. I actually felt compassion for these cells that had been as blind sighted as I had been. My own body would never try to kill me. This wasn’t some foreign object, insect, virus or bacteria that had invaded my body and tried to harm me. Our bodies are always trying to keep us healthy and strong. They are on our side because they support our spirit. If anything, because of my lack of awareness as to how many toxins I had been putting into and on my body at the time, and my lack of focus to stay on a balanced healthy path nutritionally, emotionally and physically, I take a lot of responsibility for my bodies break down into such a state of dismay. I don’t say that I am to blame completely. For me cancer is like the perfect storm. There are so many elements that come colliding together…some over a long period of time…some showing up like streaks of lightening. But all of those elements together create a bed within the sanctuary of your body, where they can lay, part of you,  but no longer speaking to you. I did take ownership of this illness. And it is an illness…like any illness. The difference is that a cold is a very small imbalance that can be dealt with relatively fast and without consequence. Where cancer is your bodies last ditch attempt to save your life. I know this sounds crazy…most people see it as a death sentence. But I always saw it as my bodies manner to communicate to me that the life I had been leading wasn’t in harmony with who I was. And by understanding what needed to change in my life, I could become healthy again and have a better life than I had had before cancer. Of course once the body gets to the point of “almost” no return…drastic measures need to be taken on a physical level above and beyond  the emotional, nutritional and spiritual work that needs to be done. Relative to where I was at the time I was diagnosed…I didn’t trust that I could turn the cancer around into a restored state of health before it got to stage 4 simply with nutrition and spiritual work. I felt too weak and lost at that time and it had gotten into my axillary lymph nodes under my left arm…so it had gotten into my lymphatic system. I had heard about people like Louise Hays who had healed vaginal cancer with no chemo or surgery at all. If I had been stage one or two with a different type of breast cancer I might have experimented with that path. My instinct was telling me not to take that chance. So I compromised. Out of the 2 chemical chemo drugs, radiation, tamoxifen and a biological chemo I was told I had to take, I only did the biological chemo. And because it had spread all over my left breast and was so close to my chest wall, a lumpectomy wasn’t an option…I decided to have both breasts removed because the kind of cancer I have has an extremely high recurrence rate. I became an “organic” vegan overnight! I stopped eating bread and pasta. I got rid of all beauty products I had been using for they were loaded with cancer causing agents. I replaced them with essential oils, henna and baking soda for toothpaste! I filter water, NEVER drink out of or use anything plastic. No sugar, cans or processed food. There isn’t one aspect of my old way of life that hasn’t been transformed. This includes all of the work I am doing emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Now I always listen intently to every message my body gives me and am not only acting upon them, but am consistent in my actions in carrying them out. I am creating a sustainable way of life.

I  have spiritually awakened to awareness and the wonderful options that goes with it. My physical body is still weak and in distress and can’t keep up with my inner awakening but in contradiction to a very surface subtle frustration I feel during fleeting moments of impatience, I feel a simple bliss within, that outer circumstances can’t obliterate. I am spiritually reconnected and aligned with this tranquility and joy. I have an inner knowing and feeling of oneness connecting me to a universal flow of consciousness full of love and light. My body still needs to heal and I have given in to the slow motion in which I am moving ahead. I have made peace with time. In the past I have done hands on energy transformation healing and intuitive readings directing people towards their own inner light, strength, peace and joy. Art and music are also used as potent tools to empower the soul. I plan on using this energy again to be a positive vessel in this life. But first, physically, I must complete my cancer treatment until November of this year….that is part of the treaty I signed with cancer! So I will simply go deeper during this time and raise my energetic levels even higher. I am sitting still within myself feeling all the brilliant facets of an enlightened existence, and being kind and loving to my body until it will be ready to fly free…healthy and brand new! This is the gift cancer has given to me.

My archetypal warrior has taken leave, taken the armor, taken the sword and has left me racing through the fields on my horse laughing in the wind at how beautiful life is. I am surrounded by everything that is love. I emit a vibration as pure as I am to myself…and I am true to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

HAWKS AND EAGLES

I leave on this still snowy morning…the second day of spring…watching little star flakes drift down in sporadic movements. They are really heavy, they are wet, I listen to them collide with the earth. As I am driving down the road I caught sight of 2 eagles in all their glory. They are dancing a spiral dance making circles curling up then down…then swooping back up again… riding the currents, playing as they past by each other…never having to flap their wings…just surfing the waves in the sky…so high…effortless grace in motion. I sit there on the side of the road hanging out of my car window in awe.

I then am blessed with an amazing healing session from a just as amazing soul. I feel renewed and full of love and light.

On my way home I am in disbelief as I see not one but 8 hawks doing the same spiral dance. I once again pull over and watch their performance that equals a ballet on a stage. I love this majestic moment that is taking place as much on the inside of me as in the sky above. They swirl up and down through my chakras and I feel their freedom and take part in their adventure in the circle of life and I am grateful.

A day full of dreams and beauty…guiding me to higher places.

SUPER DOOPER FULL MOON DIPPER

This is a short happy note…but one that needs saying! Tonight was the “special” full moon of 2011 and it turned out to be so inspiring in a simple lighthearted way! I met the sweetest guy, 2 amazing spiritual healers with beautiful hearts, listened to some crazy rock band and danced like I was in high school again and took photos of the super dooper full moon dipper in virgo…like me! I felt a happiness I hadn’t felt in a long time…since the beginning of my cancer journey. Even though I still have one surgery to go and 6 and a half more months of cancer treatments, this night is full of new beginnings on a spiritual level. : ) Yayyyyyyy!!!! I can feel my body healing so very well, every day getting closer and closer to January 2012 when I will be an official survivor…so very blessed, lucky, grateful….AND one with it all….happy happy!!!

 

BEFORE

Two nights before my double mastectomy, 1 month and 1 week after I had found out I had Breast Cancer…I got frantic about documenting a song in a video…”the way I was”…so I could remember it….always. I had been so afraid of that…never being the same, on the inside and out. I never did really record a whole song. My heart  wasn’t in that space that night. But I recently found these snips of the beginning of recordings that never went farther than that. I get emotional looking at them because i can still feel those moments in my heart…I felt so scared.

 

NOW 6 months after this moment  I AM different on the inside and the outside…however…it’s ok. I lost a part of me to live. And now I have been blessed to be alive and have gained 2 new great breasts with my own original nipples and small scars on one side of them that hardly show. On the inside, my soul is going through growing pains. But it’s full of light, intuition, strength and love. I still have 6 months worth of IV cancer treatments and am finding patience and peace to deal with the outer inertia this its putting me in. On the inside I am using this time that is a physical challenge and is holding me back from doing all that I could be doing to build a new direction. I have seen this whole journey as a gift of transformation. This initial part of the journey is slower than I had wanted it to be…but then again…in my heart I know everything is as it should be.

LISTEN FOR THE WHISPERS

This cancer journey started with a dream. I dreamt the night of September 1st 2010 that I felt a pain in my tooth. When I went to feel my tooth, I ended up pulling out a whole bunch of them connected to one another…they were rotten and black on the inside…and a voice coming from the right side above me said “You are really ill”. I have premonitions. I get concrete information from my dreams all the time. I can always tell when a dream holds a message and I knew this was one of those dreams. I panicked. In my dream I suddenly felt a sharp, screaming pain on the left side of my chest. I was told to wake up by the same voice that had told me minutes earlier that I was really ill. When I woke up the pain was still present and very real and not part of my dream any longer. I thought I was having a heart attack at first, then I realized the pain wasn’t deep enough to be my heart. It felt like it was in my breast. I felt nervous because I knew the dream had been a message but decided denial would comfort me the best. So I concluded that I had pulled a muscle at the gym and simply pushed away the nagging feeling that I had felt at that moment, that I will never forget, that something was really wrong. Three days later I still had the pain and this all knowing feeling that something was seriously wrong. Courage and acceptance to confront this situation stepped in. I called to get an early diagnostic mammogram, the next one being scheduled for the end of January 2011. They didn’t want to give it to me based on a dream, saying I could wait until January 2011 because the one I had had in January 2010 had been normal. I said I couldn’t wait and stood my ground until they compromised by making me an appointment to be examined by a doctor and let her decide. In my mind I was simply jumping through their hoops to get what I wanted. The doctor examined me and didn’t feel a lump and dismissed it saying I drank too much coffee (which was actually true). I ended up having to stand my ground again with a bit of “Hey doc…is it worth being stubborn and being responsible for me possibly being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer by the time January rolls around when we could have caught it now…allowing me to heal it…are you willing to take that chance???” After all of that however, she still didn’t think it was neccesary to do a diagnostic mamogram. I ended up getting my mammogram by lying to the check out desk telling them that yes indeed I needed a mamogram. They knew me in this clinic and just took my word for it. The assistant to that doctor called me the day after I had been diagnosed with cancer (three weeks later) asking me if I still had pain and if I wanted to come in again for another examination. I realized then that she had no idea I had allready gotten my diagnostic mamogram. So when I told that doctors assistant it was no longer necessary to follow up with the doctor because it was definitely NOT because of the coffee I had been drinking,  but that it was breast cancer, there was a silence on the other end of that phone that spoke louder than words. I felt such a sense of trust towards my inner voice and gratitude for my ability to advocate for myself as I had done. I also felt gratitude for not having have given the doctor power over my intuition. Also…it must be pointed out that in January of 2010…barely 8 months earlier, I also had a mammogram. Two tumors that had spread into my auxillary lymph nodes under my left arm had not been detected. There was no lump to be seen or felt either…right up until the day before surgery. So there was no concrete way I could have ever known that I had cancer if I wouldn’t have had that dream. In the matter of fact, all the concrete methods to detect cancer had spoken lies reassuring me that I did NOT have cancer. I wondered how many people have not survived or have had very bad prognosises because of the difficulties and sometimes inefficient methods of being diagnosed or because of the medical politics around protocol or just badly read mammograms. I was wishing there was a more efficient way to detect breast cancer. I had been lucky only because of my persistence.My mother would have been the model patient who would have said to the doctor she would wait another 6 months for the next annual mamogram and would have been stage 4 by the time they found it. The technician on duty the day I had my diagnostic mammogram is the angel in disguise I also have to thank for saving my life along with my intuition. She had a gut feeling when she detected a shadow of something. It was probably the same “something” the techs that wrongly read my first mammogram saw and judged non consequential that January of 2010. But unlike them, she persisted with lots of additional mammograms that very same day, that led to the diagnostic ultra sound that also took place that very same day.

I am so grateful that my body and spirit spoke to me when it did through the dream I had on September 1st. I am grateful I was open enough to hear the message. I am so grateful for that ultra sound tech that wouldn’t give up until she actually found what she had glimpsed hiding there. The cancer was so close to my chest wall in certain places. So little separating me from a bad ending to a way out. Cancer getting into my chest wall would have complicated things to the point of making surgery not a good option leaving my prognosis very dim. Me acting upon my dream, fighting for what I knew was true, ended up saving my life. At the beginning…I wondered why my higher power hadn’t spoken to me earlier so that my prognosis would have been even better than it was now. But when I thought back, I realized it had and I just hadn’t heard. I recently read an entry in an old journal about another dream I had had as far back as the night of Jan 10, 2007….3 years ago. This one had been even more blatant than the recent dream I had had. After I had read it in my journal, I actually remembered it, the environment and how I had felt as if I had just dreamt it the night before. Now it kind of haunts me because I don’t know how I could have dismissed it as I had done. That dream literally felt like a scene out of a movie. I was in a room that turned into a forest and a woman came running up to me with a landline cordless phone in her hand and said the call was for me. I said nobody knew I was here, how was this possible? I took it thinking it was a wrong number. The woman on the other end asked me if I was Aura. She said it was important and she was breathless and her eyes looked at me with  compassionate and pity. I said yes, my heart sinking because I could feel the urgency in her voice, and felt panicked anticipating the news I was about to hear. She blurted out that I had a tumor and that I had cancer and needed to have it surgically removed and had to go to the hospital immediately. It felt SO real…I woke up with every cell in my body screaming out no no this isn’t true. I didn’t even feel relieved when I woke up finding it to have been just a dream. I called someone and told them about it and how it had felt so real. They convinced me…to convince myself… that it had just been a bad dream…and life went on and I forgot about it. I am so in tune with myself normally. I do remember feeling uneasy about denying the message and justifying it by thinking that no matter what it was, I could will it away anyway…so it didn’t matter.

Then in January of 2010 I was woken by an excruciating pain on the left side of my chest that lasted for a week. During that time my mom who had had triple bypass surgery convinced me to get it checked out. They did an ultra sound of my heart and my heart was fine and I remember saying to her…if it wasn’t my heart it was something else… I never get pains and aches and small illnesses. I don’t really get sick. But even the mammogram scheduled one week later showed nothing to be found. But it is certain I already had cancer the day I had that mammogram. It simply wasn’t detected. After a week the pain subsided and life went on and I forgot about it. When I think back, the pain in January of 2010 was really similar to the pain I had felt in my recent dream that got me into the diagnostic mammogram that eventually saved my life. It was probably the cancer growing and spreading. My oncologist thinks the cancer has been there for 3 years. During the 4 months before I was diagnosed with cancer I was so exhausted all the time. I was out of breath doing things I never had a problem with before. I felt like I was losing my light, my spark. The warrior in me rejected my bodies attempts to get my attention. I just kept on going at the same pace defiantly not asking questions, not listening. I thought like always my energy was bigger than anything and my body would eventually balance itself out and I would feel whole again. The drained eyes staring back at me in the mirror were trying to speak to me but the warrior in me just kept charging on with life like that’s the only thing I knew how to do. But that’s not all I know how to do. My heart was screaming out in dismay at the path I was on and the relationship I was in. I wanted out but kept believing I could make it all better, the warrior could make it work. I had become so disconnected with the substance of my core. My birthday is September 7th. On September 13th my family and I celebrated my birthday. When they sent me the photos taken that day…I looked through the eyes I saw on my face and saw a deep, forlorn darkness. My mother called me and said I looked ill. When I think about it…most of the photos taken of me in the last year have been wrong…something coming out of my eyes was not well. I looked awkward, not in harmony…like I was in someone else’s body. That’s how disconnected I was.

 

Signs, signals, small and large. I will always be open to all messages and act upon them instantly now. They come in many forms. On the side of a truck, the words of a song, conversations overheard in public places…everywhere. I know when I took a wrong turn and started down a path that didn’t resonate with my core essence. I have stopped swimming frantically around in circles really recently and am now floating in the middle of the sea not feeling lost but free. I trust that wherever I let myself be carried will be the place I should be. The warrior in me has stopped fighting and the lover in me is stepping forward. I am just going to open my heart and receive and give universal love.

 

Universal love not to be mistaken with universal lust! There are way too many fakes out there lusting and not loving! Intent is what makes the difference. Universal love is an open heart with no expectations…no personal agenda. Universal lust is an illusion with ones needs the means to the end. Everyone is on their own path at their own pace and I send everyone courage, light, and love. But for me to heal cancer on a spiritual level, I must clean house and start over with true souls by my side. And true souls I am attracting. More and more I am surrounded by such beautiful people. It’s because I allowed them the space to enter my life by letting go of all the surface energy, the noise that I lived with thinking it would someday turn into music. But there must be a lapse…a transitional period where there is no noise or music…just silence. That’s where I am now. I’m in the silence of my soul…within myself… where direction is slowly becoming evident to me. Step by step…having to find patience wears me down. But that is one of the many lessons of this new journey. Let go and let god. Plant the seeds and walk away and simply water them once a day. Some will grow strong and healthy, some will never show…and some will grow poisonous. I now won’t invest time into an unworthy objective. There are too many good causes out there. I won’t try to figure out why it’s not right, it doesn’t matter…it just isn’t. Move on. I won’t try to make it right…that’s not for me to do…that’s another’s journey…not mine. Move on. 
I simply AM…I give and receive, from everything, and keep like minded energies by my side. I am walking through the darkness and the silence towards peace and happiness. The silence is giving me a chance to hear the faintest message that I would have missed before surrounded by all of that noise. I hear the music from afar and am moving towards it. On this brand new journey I have no idea where I am going, but there are no words to say how grateful I am of the spirit I have always been, the strength and power of my body, and the unconditional love I have been shown by complete strangers that are now my friends.

 

 

NEW REALITIES

I was literally transformed overnight September 22, 2010. This is the day I found out I had cancer. I came home with a new perspective. I came home for the first time as a woman with breast cancer. I knew that my life would never be the same. I don’t know why it seemed at that moment like such a fatalistic situation. I came home and sat on the edge of my bed all night long not moving… just concentrating on my breathing because it was the only thing I felt I had control of. And it represented the fact that I was living…and all of a sudden staying alive felt so precarious. So feeling that breath go in and out of me felt comforting. And in that non intentional meditative state…during that one night…my perspective flipped. I came to a comprehension of my life that was impeccably clear. My mind finally let go of the wheel and I gave the controls to the spirit within and without, and I listened intently. The more I listened, the more I heard. I realized my whole life I had been a warrior. I had been a warrior that fought battles for justice…always with a cause… and it was no longer serving me. Fighting was exhausting. I symbolically took off my armor and put my sword down and sat on the edge of my bed. With all that armor on it was hard for things to get in and for things to get out. I could stand there and shine in all my glorious strength as much as I wanted to, but I wasn’t connecting enough to the world…I was only connecting to myself which I had never had a problem doing. But even within that connection, I was only connecting to one aspect of myself at a time. I was either in my mind, my body, or my spirit. Seldom did they all unite as a whole, resonating equally in unison, balanced and in harmony. The words “I have cancer” created an emotional trauma within me…a fight or flight chemical reaction.  Because of this all of my senses worked together towards keeping me intact and functioning at a really high frequency.  Tuning into, and maintaining this high frequency of energetic vibration felt liberating. I let go of the controls and stayed connected to this energy. I have always felt this connection within myself. I just haven’t always acted upon it at all times, only when I felt it was needed. It embraces love in its purest form. It inspires the awakening of the core essence within others and myself, and the joy for simply being alive and being free to be.

The possibility of death brought me closer to life. I sat there on the edge of my bed and realized I had sat there all night without moving when I saw the sun peaking through the blinds. And by the time the sun rose, I had gone from looking at my art strewn all around my room and thinking what would my family do with it if I didn’t survive,  to deciding I was going to live and be a better “spiritual being” because of it. Even though I knew without any doubt in my heart that I was going to make it through this experience, my mind still polluted this truth with its emotional tricks of doubt and fear. It sabotaged my inner power for a moment.

For a week I didn’t feel like there was a way out. I had to remind myself to breath, just breath, all day long. Every time I panicked, which was all the time, I would use my breath to calm myself down. Obviously this was the stage of disbelief. I tried to figure out a way to deny this whole thing out of my existence. That first night, when I had sat on my bed all night long, a lot had passed through my mind. Sitting on my baby bed, on the twin bed that had been mine as a child, I looked around the room at all of my paintings propped up against my furniture and felt this incredible sinking feeling that I hadn’t accomplished everything I had wanted to do yet. I had traveled on many artistically creative journeys. I had been to many different countries, lived in Paris, France half my life, loved and been loved, experienced many amazing adventures…yet I still didn’t feel satisfied or fulfilled.

I was feeling like I had run out of time, like it was over and I was mourning all the things I hadn’t done yet. I felt I had had my chance…my life…and I hadn’t seized it for one reason or another. What a waste of my abilities and my dreams. I wanted to share what I had to give to its fullest degree. I felt cheated and robbed of time. I suddenly found myself bartering for more time, time that seemed to suddenly be stamped with an expiration date. I had been immortal yesterday, and today I felt like every minute counted. I felt that the power of longevity was no longer in my hands and I was at the mercy of my own rebel cells. So I sat on the edge of my bed paralyzed in a stupor of disbelief. I thought how much I liked my paintings I had put so much love into. I had all kinds of beautiful things I wanted to share with the world and felt this massive weight of sadness completely engulf my heart. I couldn’t move without wanting to scream or fight. So I just sat there all night not moving, just focusing on breathing, on the edge of my baby bed. That seemed all I could do with certainty and normalcy. Crazy thoughts went through my mind as I sat there. I actually felt jealousy towards other people’s cancers. How insane is that? Envious of the people that had caught cancer before it had gotten into their major lymph nodes and blood stream. The people with a tiny clean cut tumor that only had to have it removed and that was it…no drugs or major surgery at all.

The first week of my new reality called cancer, I woke up every morning realizing this whole thing wasn’t a bad dream. I would lay there thinking how I would give anything to feel that overwhelming wave of happiness and relief that you get when you realize you have escaped the consequences of the nightmare. It took me a month before I could even say the words “I have cancer” without feeling sick to my stomach. I went through the motions of life in a heightened state of awareness…clear and vibrating at such a high frequency so that I wouldn’t miss a thing. I was wide open to any signal, be it spiritual messages or concrete information my research led me to concerning the surgery and drug options I had relative to my diagnosis. I wanted to make the most educated decisions, not based on emotion, but based on facts acquired from lots of diverging sources allowing me to play the devil’s advocate. Whatever game plan I decided on had to resonate the closest to my own belief system, and my inner voice. It was all happening so fast, and these decisions were building the foundation for the quality of my future prognosis. And once it was done there would be no turning back the consequences of good or bad decisions made during this time. So I was focused and driven by an obsessed super power of efficiency to make the right ones. I was living a one-track mind existence. I felt making decisions was the only control I had over this thing called cancer. The only thing I “did” for one month WAS cancer. I wanted to get a game plan and then focus on the next step. I wanted to get past that stage because cancer was now saturating my soul as well as my body and I didn’t want to give it any more power than it already had. Although I never got the chance to slow down my efforts to formulate a game plan for my treatment the month before surgery, there was a point where I felt sure of what I wanted, and relieved that I had found it. I never once went into a medical appointment asking their advice…ever. I had done my research and went in telling them what I wanted, and that was that. It was a strange concept, but I felt that hey were working for ME. The business was my body, I was the owner, and they were the employees. They had gone to 14 years of medical school and I didn’t care because they were speaking a language of numbers, protocols, research results from pharmaceutical labs that were financially biased and limitations enforced by insurance companies. They didn’t know me…ME. They didn’t know what I was capable of, who I had been and what I had done in my life to become the person that I was now. I have to give them credit. They worked with me. Although, I had to ADVOCATE for myself every step of the way for everything I had asked them to comply with. I hadn’t wanted to have to defend my views constantly. It was exhausting, and I was ill and already exhausted. Dealing with all of the extra resistance from people who were supposed to be making this easier on me, and helping me heal, was annoying.

I had cancer in my left breast only, but decided to have a double mastectomy for two reasons. One, because I had 2 tumors with messy edges and lots of satellite tumors spread out everywhere within my left breast making it impossible to do a lumpectomy. The second being I was triple positive and had her2+3 cancer. It is very aggressive and has the highest recurrence rate of any breast cancer, other than HER2 negative cancer. Another decision I had made was not to do the 2 chemical chemo drugs, tamoxifen or radiation they wanted me to take. People weren’t surviving this kind of cancer even with these chemical drugs so they created a biological monoclonal antibody immunology drug called HERCEPTIN. A miracle biological chemo drug that helped keep the recurrence rate way down and survival rates up. So why would I weaken my immune system with drugs that really weren’t making that much of a difference when I could simply take the miracle drug herceptin they had created especially for my cancer. Doing a double mastectomy upped the outcome of my prognosis also. I was so lucky. This new generation of cancer drug is the future of cancer treatment. I could take it and it would be effective because of the kind of cancer I had. I am SO grateful. So for me, this miracle drug didn’t need the counter action of chemical chemo destroying, or at best, severely weakening my immune system…that was already weak. That would have defeated the purpose. It didn’t make sense to me. I wanted to start taking herceptin right away, 3 weeks before the surgery. I made that happen. I have to take this drug herceptin intravenously every week for a year. I opted to get the surgery done as soon as possible instead of adhering to the normal protocol of waiting until the cancer drug had killed some of the cells first. I felt frantic that they couldn’t get me in sooner for the surgery…I just wanted as much cancer out of me as soon as possible. They say there is no pain with cancer…but for me there was pain. The pain that had come in the dream I had in September of 2010 had never gone away. And I swear, I could feel its existence. I could feel it pulsating and breathing and moving like a wave from my breast to the lymph nodes under my arm. It gave me knots in my stomach to feel it growing and spreading. I had decided also to have reconstructive surgery. I wanted a nipple and skin sparring double mastectomy. It meant basically they would take out all of the fascia, connective tissue, small lymph nodes, fat and breast tissue from my entire torso, and the first layer of lymph nodes from under my arm, but leave my skin and nipples intact. They just kind of emptied me out through a small incision on the sides of each breast. And I knew I could save my left nipple. I just knew. However, I had to change surgeons in order to make this happen. The first surgeon I saw didn’t communicate with me. My very first introduction to my medical team, just one week after my diagnosis, did not go well at all. I met with an oncology surgeon who circled things in a pamphlet while talking as if she was recording an info commercial on cancer. She didn’t even have my pathology report from my biopsy with her. She had obviously done this too many times. She had forgotten the first time she had to tell someone their life would never be the same, and what thier options were for surviving this ordeal. She wouldn’t even discuss nipple sparring surgery…which was what I wanted. That wasn’t “protocol” she had said. I remember sitting on this couch in front of her completely frantic at the thought that someone else was going to tell me what to do with my body. In that moment I realized the solution was simple. I told her that I didn’t trust her to be there for me when I was unconscious on that operating table…my life and body in her hands, and that I needed a new surgeon. I got a new surgeon who ended up being one of the reasons my surgical pathology report came back with clean margins even though she had told me we would not get clean margins because the cancer was too close to my chest wall. I think my positive outlook and persistence made her want to really rise to the occasion. I know she respected my research abilities and the knowledge I offered as proof supporting my demands. She was one of the best oncology surgeons in New England. I was told she went into the operating room with the conviction of a warrior. I trusted that she was going to get clean margins. I visualized her digging and scraping meticulously until she did! Every single margin came back clean! She and I had made a compromise. I wouldn’t sign the surgical consent form without the words nipple sparring written on the top. The cancer was really close to my left nipple and the deal was that they would keep the nipple intact during the surgery…under any condition.  And she wouldn’t sign the consent form unless I agreed that if the pathology report came back with a positive margin for that nipple, that I would have it removed at the plastic surgeons afterwards. I had met my match! She was just as solid as I was…but she was also compromising. Honestly, as far as I was concerned, she had no choice but to be compromising. It was MY body. Of course, like I had predicted, that margin came back clean. From the beginning my intuition ad been spot on. That’s because I was really listening without my emotions getting in the way! But I had to advocate for myself to save “a nipple”!! I have never talked about nipples and breasts so much as I have in the last 3 months! It’s amazing how I took them for granted before…really…why wouldn’t I have? We women all have them. Now saving a nipple seemed to live on the same priority list as surviving. However, I always kept it in perspective. I would have done what needed to be done if I had had to. I never felt pretentious, cocky, or entitled during this whole process. The only word that echo’s through my heart every day since September 22, 2010 is gratitude. I am simply grateful. I get no credit for a saved nipple, or clean margins except that I had advocated for them. I have been so extremely blessed and lucky the whole way through this. So many people have been praying for me, sending me good energy.. I advocated for myself throughout this whole journey. I had to stand my ground and not be influenced by anything other than my inner guidance. I am so lucky that I was able to get reconstruction. Plastic surgeons use radiated cadaver skin to create a new pocket that will eventually hold the final implant. I have to admit, I was so not loving the idea of having someone elses radiated tissue in my body and had to give the radiated cadavre skin process lot’s of love! I had to see it as someone who had died and generously donated some of their tissue to me to help me heal and I thanked them for this. Then the plastic surgeon places expanders under the pectoral muscles at the time of the mastectomy  and fill them with a minimal amount of saline solution so that the expanding of the cavity the final implants will be placed in begins immediately. Then during the next 5 months once a week they expand the cavity. Then a second surgery is performed to place the final implants in their new cavities that were created during the first process.  Years ago breast cancer patients didn’t have this option.

I now understand that this is to be a lesson, an opportunity for growth, a new perspective. Life will give us the messages that we need over and over until we hear them and act upon them…and if we don’t…it will give it to us in the form of something so traumatic that we are left with no choice but to “get it” and finally act upon “it”. A week after I had been told that I had breast cancer, I was sitting in a café, still feeling devastated, frantic and in a constant state of disbelief. While doing research on my laptop this man rolled into the cafe in a motorized wheelchair using a straw type device to move the wheelchair with his teeth. He was obviously paralyzed from the neck down. He was smiling and laughing and was obviously a regular because everyone knew him and he sparked up conversations with them all. I sat there thinking to myself how ungrateful I was being. I actually felt embarrassed for being so shallow and self centered as to forget how difficult other peoples situations could be for them, and how much strength they could have in dealing with these challenges. I could have been in a car accident and never walk or use my arms again. I could still dance, and swim, and spin, and run and move freely! I did have the right to initially feel what I had to feel…sadness, disbelief, fear…whatever…but I had to take it to the next level and let it go. I had to move on to an assesment of my situation that was coming from a positive place of seeing what I had instead what I was going to lose. I had to come to terms with the loss and the challenge and find peace with it in order to let it go with love. I realized in that moment that I was blessed.  And from that moment on, I felt strong. I had gotten the message. I acted upon it. After that I still woke up every morning having to deal with the wrenching realization, over and over again, that this wasn’t a bad dream and this was now my new reality. But it started moving away from disbelief away from fear, away from regret for all the things I had wanted to do and never got around doing because I had treated time as such a commodity. I started thinking of all the things I COULD do and how I was going to do them. And now time was treated as precious. I started believing that I had recieved that dream when I had so that I could heal this cancer in time. This was just the hard core message I needed to get turned around. Now everything seemed urgent in a positive way.

I have to admit, there was one day…only one…that I felt anger that it had been me. Why ME? I never smoked, drank or ate things like processed food or red meat…I was fair and true…but that was just one day. And how simplistic was that way of thinking. By not eating red meat or smoking I wasn’t going to get cancer! That was the old me thinking…the invincible me…that thought herself too spiritual to get cancer. Cancer is like the perfect storm. There have to be so many factors that come together in order for that one cell to decide to ignore healthy, normal DNA behavior and take off running in it’s own direction and start spawning offspring. BUT more important, I do believe now that cancer is a spiritual illness and my soul hadn’t been happy. My bon fire had been diminished to a flame bullied by the wind becoming faint and dim. And I could follow through with all the medical procedures and treatments possible, but I now realized that if I didn’t find a way to get my soul burning like a bon fire once again…this cancer would simply come back. And it’s easy to get a game plan going for medical procedures and treatments and follow through with them because that’s all your medical team wants to do. Before you know what’s happened to you, your spinning through all of this at 4 g speed and your thinking that just 3 months ago you were a normal person. You no longer remember what normal feels like, and your in the middle of becoming who you are going to be now. So your in limbo…no longer who you were, and in the process of being reborn into your new body and new perspective. I realized it wasn’t a quick and easy process re-heating this soul of mine to “bon fire” temperatures. It wasn’t going to happen overnight. Which of course is what I wanted to accomplish. I wanted it all…right now. My bad “warrior” habit of fixing it to near perfection in an instant. My other bad pattern also showed its face by not having any patience when I realized it would take time. Luckily, my new belief system kicked in and lI let go of old patterns. Now I realize that the only way to get that bon fire of an energy stoked up again, is to throw one log on at a time. And seriously, when all you have initially is a flame in the wind, we can’t be talking logs. For a while anything more than a tooth pick would prove to be enough to snuff the flame out entirely!! So I sit here with my magic box of toothpicks and stoke my flame all day long. And I sigh at the snail pace I am moving at. And I long for a new beginning in a new place. And I realize that THIS moment IS the new beginning. And I realize that I am on my way. And I realize that I am going in the right direction. And the new place is actually each moment, that happens over and over again and becomes the new place where I will be 5 minutes from now. The new place isn’t a tangible place…it’s a way of life lived within every present moment. The quality and intent of my positive and constructive thoughts is what takes me from one moment to another in the right direction. i trust myself to take me in the right direction. I trust.

 

INTRODUCTIONS

As I was laying on the table getting my diagnostic ultra sound September 16th 2010,  I was introduced to 2 ominous black holes with black fingers reaching out from within them digging into my breast tissue. They looked like evil spirits staring back at me smiling in defiance. At the time I wasn’t prepared enough to stare back at them with the same defiance. I felt violated by crafty thieves tainting my existence. I felt angry with myself and tricked for not having have heard them break down my door in the middle of the night. I suddenly felt pretentious to have thought that my energy was strong enough, healthy enough and good intentioned enough to keep these invaders away. Trying not to move was the only thing that made me feel in control at that moment.  I wanted to run to the farthest place from where I was laying on that table. I couldn’t think…my mind raced through all the possible scenarios at the speed of light. It was confusing, overwhelming and encompassed everything from what I thought could happen really soon, to not knowing what was actually going to happen, to what I wanted to make happen urgently right now. Tears of fear fell that  September 16th because I didn’t need the results of a biopsy to know the outcome. Tears happen because I feel there is no way out of a situation and feel helpless to change it. I had secretly hoped that I had the power to will it away. That the scare of this moment would jar me into another universe where I wouldn’t need the lesson life felt it needed to give me because I hadn’t gotten it time and time before and now had to get it through this traumatic turn of events. I began thinking of what I could use to barter my life with. I felt if I begged for mercy to my higher power and promised to be ever so grateful for all the things I might have taken for granted and start living my life void of any bad patterns and habits that debilitated me and made me less of a spiritual, happy, fulfilled being, then my higher power would grant me a wish and make the upcoming biopsy and MRI clean…void of tumors and cancer. I would get a call saying it was either a mistake or a miracle, because there was nothing there and get a second chance without having to go through anything but the scare. Then I could say…how lucky I was that it turned out to be nothing…and then act upon my promise and change my life. But that is not what happened.

September 22, 2010 at 4:45 I was told the results of my biopsy. I was told I had Invasive Ductal Carcinoma/Triple Positive/Stage 3/Axillary Lymph Node Positive/ Breast Cancer.

 

 

CREATING CREATING!!

I feel strong enough to paint again…here is what I’ve done recently. It’s called the TRUE LOVE series! Each painting represents an aspect of love. It is all one love. We are all one love. I am one love…attracting and giving…love!!!!

THE BLUE KISS by Aura Ever

SIMPLE AS LOVE by Aura Ever

PURE LOVE by Aura Ever

CURRENTS by Aura Ever

CELESTIAL VAPORS EMBRACE THE EARTH WITH A KISS by Aura Ever

TRUE LOVE REUNITES by Aura Ever

 

THEY FLOW by Aura Ever

WE “WHO” ARE by Aura Ever