As I was laying on the table getting my diagnostic ultra sound September 16th 2010, I was introduced to 2 ominous black holes with black fingers reaching out from within them digging into my breast tissue. They looked like evil spirits staring back at me smiling in defiance. At the time I wasn’t prepared enough to stare back at them with the same defiance. I felt violated by crafty thieves tainting my existence. I felt angry with myself and tricked for not having have heard them break down my door in the middle of the night. I suddenly felt pretentious to have thought that my energy was strong enough, healthy enough and good intentioned enough to keep these invaders away. Trying not to move was the only thing that made me feel in control at that moment. I wanted to run to the farthest place from where I was laying on that table. I couldn’t think…my mind raced through all the possible scenarios at the speed of light. It was confusing, overwhelming and encompassed everything from what I thought could happen really soon, to not knowing what was actually going to happen, to what I wanted to make happen urgently right now. Tears of fear fell that September 16th because I didn’t need the results of a biopsy to know the outcome. Tears happen because I feel there is no way out of a situation and feel helpless to change it. I had secretly hoped that I had the power to will it away. That the scare of this moment would jar me into another universe where I wouldn’t need the lesson life felt it needed to give me because I hadn’t gotten it time and time before and now had to get it through this traumatic turn of events. I began thinking of what I could use to barter my life with. I felt if I begged for mercy to my higher power and promised to be ever so grateful for all the things I might have taken for granted and start living my life void of any bad patterns and habits that debilitated me and made me less of a spiritual, happy, fulfilled being, then my higher power would grant me a wish and make the upcoming biopsy and MRI clean…void of tumors and cancer. I would get a call saying it was either a mistake or a miracle, because there was nothing there and get a second chance without having to go through anything but the scare. Then I could say…how lucky I was that it turned out to be nothing…and then act upon my promise and change my life. But that is not what happened.
September 22, 2010 at 4:45 I was told the results of my biopsy. I was told I had Invasive Ductal Carcinoma/Triple Positive/Stage 3/Axillary Lymph Node Positive/ Breast Cancer.