LISTEN FOR THE WHISPERS

This cancer journey started with a dream. I dreamt the night of September 1st 2010 that I felt a pain in my tooth. When I went to feel my tooth, I ended up pulling out a whole bunch of them connected to one another…they were rotten and black on the inside…and a voice coming from the right side above me said “You are really ill”. I have premonitions. I get concrete information from my dreams all the time. I can always tell when a dream holds a message and I knew this was one of those dreams. I panicked. In my dream I suddenly felt a sharp, screaming pain on the left side of my chest. I was told to wake up by the same voice that had told me minutes earlier that I was really ill. When I woke up the pain was still present and very real and not part of my dream any longer. I thought I was having a heart attack at first, then I realized the pain wasn’t deep enough to be my heart. It felt like it was in my breast. I felt nervous because I knew the dream had been a message but decided denial would comfort me the best. So I concluded that I had pulled a muscle at the gym and simply pushed away the nagging feeling that I had felt at that moment, that I will never forget, that something was really wrong. Three days later I still had the pain and this all knowing feeling that something was seriously wrong. Courage and acceptance to confront this situation stepped in. I called to get an early diagnostic mammogram, the next one being scheduled for the end of January 2011. They didn’t want to give it to me based on a dream, saying I could wait until January 2011 because the one I had had in January 2010 had been normal. I said I couldn’t wait and stood my ground until they compromised by making me an appointment to be examined by a doctor and let her decide. In my mind I was simply jumping through their hoops to get what I wanted. The doctor examined me and didn’t feel a lump and dismissed it saying I drank too much coffee (which was actually true). I ended up having to stand my ground again with a bit of “Hey doc…is it worth being stubborn and being responsible for me possibly being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer by the time January rolls around when we could have caught it now…allowing me to heal it…are you willing to take that chance???” After all of that however, she still didn’t think it was neccesary to do a diagnostic mamogram. I ended up getting my mammogram by lying to the check out desk telling them that yes indeed I needed a mamogram. They knew me in this clinic and just took my word for it. The assistant to that doctor called me the day after I had been diagnosed with cancer (three weeks later) asking me if I still had pain and if I wanted to come in again for another examination. I realized then that she had no idea I had allready gotten my diagnostic mamogram. So when I told that doctors assistant it was no longer necessary to follow up with the doctor because it was definitely NOT because of the coffee I had been drinking,  but that it was breast cancer, there was a silence on the other end of that phone that spoke louder than words. I felt such a sense of trust towards my inner voice and gratitude for my ability to advocate for myself as I had done. I also felt gratitude for not having have given the doctor power over my intuition. Also…it must be pointed out that in January of 2010…barely 8 months earlier, I also had a mammogram. Two tumors that had spread into my auxillary lymph nodes under my left arm had not been detected. There was no lump to be seen or felt either…right up until the day before surgery. So there was no concrete way I could have ever known that I had cancer if I wouldn’t have had that dream. In the matter of fact, all the concrete methods to detect cancer had spoken lies reassuring me that I did NOT have cancer. I wondered how many people have not survived or have had very bad prognosises because of the difficulties and sometimes inefficient methods of being diagnosed or because of the medical politics around protocol or just badly read mammograms. I was wishing there was a more efficient way to detect breast cancer. I had been lucky only because of my persistence.My mother would have been the model patient who would have said to the doctor she would wait another 6 months for the next annual mamogram and would have been stage 4 by the time they found it. The technician on duty the day I had my diagnostic mammogram is the angel in disguise I also have to thank for saving my life along with my intuition. She had a gut feeling when she detected a shadow of something. It was probably the same “something” the techs that wrongly read my first mammogram saw and judged non consequential that January of 2010. But unlike them, she persisted with lots of additional mammograms that very same day, that led to the diagnostic ultra sound that also took place that very same day.

I am so grateful that my body and spirit spoke to me when it did through the dream I had on September 1st. I am grateful I was open enough to hear the message. I am so grateful for that ultra sound tech that wouldn’t give up until she actually found what she had glimpsed hiding there. The cancer was so close to my chest wall in certain places. So little separating me from a bad ending to a way out. Cancer getting into my chest wall would have complicated things to the point of making surgery not a good option leaving my prognosis very dim. Me acting upon my dream, fighting for what I knew was true, ended up saving my life. At the beginning…I wondered why my higher power hadn’t spoken to me earlier so that my prognosis would have been even better than it was now. But when I thought back, I realized it had and I just hadn’t heard. I recently read an entry in an old journal about another dream I had had as far back as the night of Jan 10, 2007….3 years ago. This one had been even more blatant than the recent dream I had had. After I had read it in my journal, I actually remembered it, the environment and how I had felt as if I had just dreamt it the night before. Now it kind of haunts me because I don’t know how I could have dismissed it as I had done. That dream literally felt like a scene out of a movie. I was in a room that turned into a forest and a woman came running up to me with a landline cordless phone in her hand and said the call was for me. I said nobody knew I was here, how was this possible? I took it thinking it was a wrong number. The woman on the other end asked me if I was Aura. She said it was important and she was breathless and her eyes looked at me with  compassionate and pity. I said yes, my heart sinking because I could feel the urgency in her voice, and felt panicked anticipating the news I was about to hear. She blurted out that I had a tumor and that I had cancer and needed to have it surgically removed and had to go to the hospital immediately. It felt SO real…I woke up with every cell in my body screaming out no no this isn’t true. I didn’t even feel relieved when I woke up finding it to have been just a dream. I called someone and told them about it and how it had felt so real. They convinced me…to convince myself… that it had just been a bad dream…and life went on and I forgot about it. I am so in tune with myself normally. I do remember feeling uneasy about denying the message and justifying it by thinking that no matter what it was, I could will it away anyway…so it didn’t matter.

Then in January of 2010 I was woken by an excruciating pain on the left side of my chest that lasted for a week. During that time my mom who had had triple bypass surgery convinced me to get it checked out. They did an ultra sound of my heart and my heart was fine and I remember saying to her…if it wasn’t my heart it was something else… I never get pains and aches and small illnesses. I don’t really get sick. But even the mammogram scheduled one week later showed nothing to be found. But it is certain I already had cancer the day I had that mammogram. It simply wasn’t detected. After a week the pain subsided and life went on and I forgot about it. When I think back, the pain in January of 2010 was really similar to the pain I had felt in my recent dream that got me into the diagnostic mammogram that eventually saved my life. It was probably the cancer growing and spreading. My oncologist thinks the cancer has been there for 3 years. During the 4 months before I was diagnosed with cancer I was so exhausted all the time. I was out of breath doing things I never had a problem with before. I felt like I was losing my light, my spark. The warrior in me rejected my bodies attempts to get my attention. I just kept on going at the same pace defiantly not asking questions, not listening. I thought like always my energy was bigger than anything and my body would eventually balance itself out and I would feel whole again. The drained eyes staring back at me in the mirror were trying to speak to me but the warrior in me just kept charging on with life like that’s the only thing I knew how to do. But that’s not all I know how to do. My heart was screaming out in dismay at the path I was on and the relationship I was in. I wanted out but kept believing I could make it all better, the warrior could make it work. I had become so disconnected with the substance of my core. My birthday is September 7th. On September 13th my family and I celebrated my birthday. When they sent me the photos taken that day…I looked through the eyes I saw on my face and saw a deep, forlorn darkness. My mother called me and said I looked ill. When I think about it…most of the photos taken of me in the last year have been wrong…something coming out of my eyes was not well. I looked awkward, not in harmony…like I was in someone else’s body. That’s how disconnected I was.

 

Signs, signals, small and large. I will always be open to all messages and act upon them instantly now. They come in many forms. On the side of a truck, the words of a song, conversations overheard in public places…everywhere. I know when I took a wrong turn and started down a path that didn’t resonate with my core essence. I have stopped swimming frantically around in circles really recently and am now floating in the middle of the sea not feeling lost but free. I trust that wherever I let myself be carried will be the place I should be. The warrior in me has stopped fighting and the lover in me is stepping forward. I am just going to open my heart and receive and give universal love.

 

Universal love not to be mistaken with universal lust! There are way too many fakes out there lusting and not loving! Intent is what makes the difference. Universal love is an open heart with no expectations…no personal agenda. Universal lust is an illusion with ones needs the means to the end. Everyone is on their own path at their own pace and I send everyone courage, light, and love. But for me to heal cancer on a spiritual level, I must clean house and start over with true souls by my side. And true souls I am attracting. More and more I am surrounded by such beautiful people. It’s because I allowed them the space to enter my life by letting go of all the surface energy, the noise that I lived with thinking it would someday turn into music. But there must be a lapse…a transitional period where there is no noise or music…just silence. That’s where I am now. I’m in the silence of my soul…within myself… where direction is slowly becoming evident to me. Step by step…having to find patience wears me down. But that is one of the many lessons of this new journey. Let go and let god. Plant the seeds and walk away and simply water them once a day. Some will grow strong and healthy, some will never show…and some will grow poisonous. I now won’t invest time into an unworthy objective. There are too many good causes out there. I won’t try to figure out why it’s not right, it doesn’t matter…it just isn’t. Move on. I won’t try to make it right…that’s not for me to do…that’s another’s journey…not mine. Move on. 
I simply AM…I give and receive, from everything, and keep like minded energies by my side. I am walking through the darkness and the silence towards peace and happiness. The silence is giving me a chance to hear the faintest message that I would have missed before surrounded by all of that noise. I hear the music from afar and am moving towards it. On this brand new journey I have no idea where I am going, but there are no words to say how grateful I am of the spirit I have always been, the strength and power of my body, and the unconditional love I have been shown by complete strangers that are now my friends.

 

 

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