About 5 months ago I had it in my mind to get all of my cancer related surgeries and drugs done and get my life back on track in 4 months. I had this unrealistic idea about how long this was going to take and that I had some control over it. It has been 6 months now and I just got the stitches taken out 2 days ago from my second surgery and I am only half way through my cancer IV drug treatment that I need to take to kill all the cells that got into my lymphatic system. I have 6 more months to go. I am so grateful to have great new breasts with my own original nipples still intact on them… : ) and 2 scars that are in “inconspicuous” places. Before my double mastectomy the oncology surgeon told me she wasn’t going to be able to get clean margins because of how close the cancer was to my chest wall. In that operating room we were all supported by powers bigger than all of us put together because every margin from my surgical pathology report came back clean to everybody’s surprise and joy…upping my prognosis from bad to better! I am grateful and thankful for the transformation of the severity of this situation into a healing opportunity for my spirit and my life. I am blessed. I am also grateful that I was able to advocate for myself and believe unconditionally that I was going to be perfectly ok.
Before I got diagnosed with breast cancer, I had been looking into leaving Maine, going on a road trip and being part of an open, creative community…somewhere. I didn’t know where….BUT…I was excited about leaving and heading out on an adventure starting over somewhere fresh and new. Then life became simply about staying alive. And it became evident pretty fast that starting over fresh and new for the moment needed to happen on the inside of myself. I no longer felt the need to move to a new location outside of my soul to live the new perspective taking shape within me. Maine has been good to me. Maine Care that I received BECAUSE I had cancer has provided unlimited resources for this journey I’ve been on. Two surgeries, loads of ultra sounds, ex-rays, CT scans, MRI’s, Muga tests and a new miracle IV weekly cancer drug that I take for one year that cost thousands, thousands and THOUSANDS of dollars every time I get it is all covered during a one year period. I AM SO FULL OF GRATITUDE! That doesn’t mean there isn’t a better place for me to be…but for NOW, for the next 6 months, I can let go and expand…everything from the inside out…right here… and in the amount of time that I need. I don’t feel any more pressure. There is no more deadline because no matter where I am living, it’s in this moment within myself, where it is all happening.
The day I found out I had cancer was the first day of a powerful, highly charged awakened state that turned my perspective inside out. Any watercolor fields of ambivalence within me became clear, well defined spaces, representing yes and no answers. The things marked yes I kept, and if I hadn’t been doing so before, started treating them as precious. The things marked no, I let go of immediately no questions asked. There weren’t “maybes” at the time. I was moving fast making medical decisions that would create and define my future and had no time for indecision. It was either beneficial or not. I started cleaning out my soul of unwanted baggage, blocked emotions, patterns that no longer served me and the need to help and fix others when they asked for help but weren’t ready to do the work. I had to focus on myself and my body to save my life and heal. Getting cancer was my body and spirits way of crying out for help…needing attention. And if that’s what it needed…I was going to give it the love, compassion, and comfort it wanted. I was going to listen to it. I am sure my body had been screaming out to me for help for a long time…and I had been too busy and strong-minded to hear it. I would get an idea from listening to my intuition about healthy food and manners in which to care for my body that would keep it balanced and whole. I would begin a new lifestyle and would always allow life to become bigger than my consistency, and would eventually not follow through with my new plan and allow my body to fall into distress again. An unhealthy disconnected pattern…that became a cycle.
I believe that one of the hundreds of factors that led me to allowing cancer into my body was that my spirit was exhausted from fighting. From trying and giving so much where there was so little of what I thought I wanted coming back to me. Even though I knew there was nothing outside of myself I couldn’t give myself, I had been a warrior and couldn’t help myself from getting involved with losing battles. I am no longer fighting battles of any kind…especially someone else’s. I am not even fighting cancer. From the beginning I have never fought cancer. I made a truce with it, embraced it, signed a treaty with myself…for cancer WAS my body. Cancer cells were MY cells. They were part of me.
After asking too many questions about my particular cancer cells, my oncologist sent me to see the Chief of Pathology who had created both my pathology report from the cancer cells abstracted during my initial biopsy, and then from the tissue taken during my double mastectomy. He gave me the opportunity to see my cancer cells under a microscope. This changed my whole attitude towards how I was going to move through my cancer journey. It was the key moment that basically changed my perspective on what cancer was to me, and what it meant to have cancer. He explained that the cells were still trying to do their job that had been allotted to them during my creation as a human being. On a DNA level they were still trying to keep my body functioning properly…even as cancer cells. They were no longer able to do this because they had lost their DNA connection with the rest of my body and could no longer communicate with my system. I actually felt compassion for these cells that had been as blind sighted as I had been. My own body would never try to kill me. This wasn’t some foreign object, insect, virus or bacteria that had invaded my body and tried to harm me. Our bodies are always trying to keep us healthy and strong. They are on our side because they support our spirit. If anything, because of my lack of awareness as to how many toxins I had been putting into and on my body at the time, and my lack of focus to stay on a balanced healthy path nutritionally, emotionally and physically, I take a lot of responsibility for my bodies break down into such a state of dismay. I don’t say that I am to blame completely. For me cancer is like the perfect storm. There are so many elements that come colliding together…some over a long period of time…some showing up like streaks of lightening. But all of those elements together create a bed within the sanctuary of your body, where they can lay, part of you, but no longer speaking to you. I did take ownership of this illness. And it is an illness…like any illness. The difference is that a cold is a very small imbalance that can be dealt with relatively fast and without consequence. Where cancer is your bodies last ditch attempt to save your life. I know this sounds crazy…most people see it as a death sentence. But I always saw it as my bodies manner to communicate to me that the life I had been leading wasn’t in harmony with who I was. And by understanding what needed to change in my life, I could become healthy again and have a better life than I had had before cancer. Of course once the body gets to the point of “almost” no return…drastic measures need to be taken on a physical level above and beyond the emotional, nutritional and spiritual work that needs to be done. Relative to where I was at the time I was diagnosed…I didn’t trust that I could turn the cancer around into a restored state of health before it got to stage 4 simply with nutrition and spiritual work. I felt too weak and lost at that time and it had gotten into my axillary lymph nodes under my left arm…so it had gotten into my lymphatic system. I had heard about people like Louise Hays who had healed vaginal cancer with no chemo or surgery at all. If I had been stage one or two with a different type of breast cancer I might have experimented with that path. My instinct was telling me not to take that chance. So I compromised. Out of the 2 chemical chemo drugs, radiation, tamoxifen and a biological chemo I was told I had to take, I only did the biological chemo. And because it had spread all over my left breast and was so close to my chest wall, a lumpectomy wasn’t an option…I decided to have both breasts removed because the kind of cancer I have has an extremely high recurrence rate. I became an “organic” vegan overnight! I stopped eating bread and pasta. I got rid of all beauty products I had been using for they were loaded with cancer causing agents. I replaced them with essential oils, henna and baking soda for toothpaste! I filter water, NEVER drink out of or use anything plastic. No sugar, cans or processed food. There isn’t one aspect of my old way of life that hasn’t been transformed. This includes all of the work I am doing emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Now I always listen intently to every message my body gives me and am not only acting upon them, but am consistent in my actions in carrying them out. I am creating a sustainable way of life.
I have spiritually awakened to awareness and the wonderful options that goes with it. My physical body is still weak and in distress and can’t keep up with my inner awakening but in contradiction to a very surface subtle frustration I feel during fleeting moments of impatience, I feel a simple bliss within, that outer circumstances can’t obliterate. I am spiritually reconnected and aligned with this tranquility and joy. I have an inner knowing and feeling of oneness connecting me to a universal flow of consciousness full of love and light. My body still needs to heal and I have given in to the slow motion in which I am moving ahead. I have made peace with time. In the past I have done hands on energy transformation healing and intuitive readings directing people towards their own inner light, strength, peace and joy. Art and music are also used as potent tools to empower the soul. I plan on using this energy again to be a positive vessel in this life. But first, physically, I must complete my cancer treatment until November of this year….that is part of the treaty I signed with cancer! So I will simply go deeper during this time and raise my energetic levels even higher. I am sitting still within myself feeling all the brilliant facets of an enlightened existence, and being kind and loving to my body until it will be ready to fly free…healthy and brand new! This is the gift cancer has given to me.
My archetypal warrior has taken leave, taken the armor, taken the sword and has left me racing through the fields on my horse laughing in the wind at how beautiful life is. I am surrounded by everything that is love. I emit a vibration as pure as I am to myself…and I am true to myself.